lack of color.

Depression really sucks. I thought my moods would be much better by now. I've had a sense of sadness lingering over me. Steph got a job (I'm so happy for her but it sucks we have less time together.) I might have opened my mouth up with the one I care about to soon. I usually fuck everything up. We shall see. Tomorrow I'll be getting my ass awake at a decent time and in gear. I hope I can fight this.

Honestly.

During weeks like this I just want to cry. Thankfully I have family by my side. I may not have my brother or my best friend in my life due to them not being suitable people at the moment....but I have all I need in front of me. I can reach it..It's all so close.Trying to be happy. I'm trying so hard. I have a sunny day shopping with my mother in a few hours. Can't sleep so I figured I'd blog some. I love her so much.

Didnt Send This to You.

Why didn't I send this? Oh wait...because I don't want to seem needy and I'm waiting for the right time. For you to admit something first preferably. :[

"I have been at a lack of words. It's gone on forever since I first layed eyes on you a year ago. It just keeps growing overtime. Fear is an incredible thing. Inside it hurts for now, but still makes me smile. I've tried to ignore it over and over. Especially all week. I'd rather run sometimes and not admit it. Makes it hard to not just back away from you and hide away yet again and not return anything. I wont though. Not again.  My eyes tell all. If you don't see it you are blind. I know you have already. Also, All I know is that youve become one of my close friends. I dont mind it one bit."

Silence.

"Will I ever show the wings that he gives my heart
Or shall these words stay silent, without a remark
Shattered, and lost, I stumble to speak
But I'll always remember his lips on my cheek
Something so unconditional has grown in my hands
Fear built inside me, I hid and I ran
Will I ever express the bliss, when our hands intertwined
His eyes so deep and enticing, a soul undefined
From the first moment I saw him, something had changed
Such wondrous emotions, left me deranged
A year of staying silent, not a single word spoken
One day it might be too late, should the silence be broken?"

Advice.

Life has its ups and downs.

Strive for more than you give yourself credit for.

Love, but don't allow yourself to be loved so quickly.

Be wise, and make decisions that make YOU happy.

Don't be a doormat. Be strong. Be independent.

You can do it. <3

So..

With every loss there is great gain. I lost a friend of 16 years and got close to another one just recently who seems true. I'm blessed to have found her. Also boys like sexy pictures. I cant wait to spend time with him. I need to find something creative to do for him one of these visits. Maybe I'll write him a song. I want to grab him so quick and make him feel so many things his head will spin.

Been playing guitar again afterall.

We shall see how things play out.

Wrecked.

A friendship of 16 years lost. I cannot support or be there for someone who is saying "pity me" to everyone after neglecting their son, leaving him in his crib for hours and over a day at a time even, and having the state finally take him away. Someone who won't get help and better her own life. I'm heartbroken for that child, our years of friendship, and I will not continue a friendship under such circumstances. I was busy for a few days and got told my friendship wasn't good enough. After I kept her company and tried to be the best friend that I could lately. I have my own life and I need to focus on me. I went around congress and dropped off at least 30 applications. I'm looking for a job. I'm trying to better myself. I was exhausted. I can't be at someones beck and call daily.


Its snowing right now. we're supposed to get at least a foot of snow. I can't wait until spring. Got to hang out with Steph before the big storm at least.

Life is depressing right now. Trying to stay positive. I really hope I hear from the boy soon. I could use someone to enjoy the snow with and just lay and snuggle. I honestly hate admitting this to myself. I am falling for him. didnt want to. He doesn't have a clue sadly. I wont tell him in fear of him running away. I have felt something from the moment I first met him and saw him. He's put up with so much from me the past year. I'd back away from him and he always took our friendship back. I would kill to show him what something real is. I want him to open up to me. I don't want him to live his life not having someone who would love every ounce of him. If only he would give me a chance. I'm slowly trying. I wish I could slip the words "I love you" out of my mouth to him. Without the fear and neglect after.

 Life is such a pickled mess right now. Trying not to cry.