"With all these dwelling thoughts
the lack to impress seems to dwell upon her
an inseparable pattern
would the rose be enough?
Or would you toss it aside from her loving hands?"

B-Day Raging?

So my 21st B-day was really awesome. I woke up, had coffee with my mother and stepdad. They later on took me out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. I had the biggest hamburger and baked potato with chili.. I later on got an ice cream cake and a smirnoff party pack!

I came home and my friend John and Alycia his girlfriend wanted to hang out with me (I dont know many people in the area I live so that was really kind of them to keep me company) They took me out to Chilis, I had 3 Margaritas to my face, Nachos, and they even got me a cake. Here is the beautiful creative thing I received:

I felt so spoiled! Natty Ice is pretty gross but I honestly thought this was a great and silly idea.

 I love how I actually have friends who care and how I finally have a social life now. (:

 So TODAY:

Hung with My friend Steph again today for a bit and met my friend Zane.

Court for the custody battle of my nephew took up most of the day in my hometown. Lame. Being there for support was tough (we have to do it again in 4 months for a continuance) but I will thankfully sleep well tonight.I stopped by my aunts and passed out on her couch for an hour or so. Emotionally exhausting doesn't even cover it.

Life is pretty good however (: Job hunting with Steph tomorrow probably! I'm so glad to have her in my life.

HyperSmash.com

blogarama.com

Love.

This is for you people who overuse the term "I love You"


When I meet someone, and grow something emotionally inside for them, the word love does not slip out of my mouth until I know for sure I love that person. If I do love them I wait to say it for when it's the "right" time. I do not diddly daddle around and scream it to the mountains. Love: is sacred. Something to be cherished. With someone who makes you whole. Love is sharing every ounce of your soul and being with another. I've only experienced this once in my life. But I know what real love is. Think before you use the word carelessly.

Envy.

I got offline from talking to my best friend the other day. She told me point blank she hates me. After all I've done for her. She thinks I have everything she wants in life. That I am good at everything she could never be. That in itself kills me. She's going to lose that baby. She got drunk with a couple random guys with her son upstairs. She blacked out and he was laying in his crib for a long time due to her still being drunk the next day and being too lazy to get up and get a drink of water to sober herself up. A couple state reports have been made. That child is so precious. I don't understand what she's doing this to him. I don't understand why she's being this way. I don't think I ever will.

My brother can't even take full responsibility for his own kid. I'm not saying I'll be the perfect parent but I would do anything to get a stable place if I needed one for getting my own child. I would get in a shelter if I was homeless and had no leg to stand on. I wouldn't house hop and crash here and there.

Too young for children. So sad.

I'm blessed I've gone this long without being a parent.

Numb.

Emotions are worthless.. I'll Let these words fall from my lips and fade away.


You have no idea what I feel about you.

If you could only see.

How can someone's self esteem go so low that they can't see any good inside of them? How does it get to the point that they can't even see the good person everyone else sees? She is my best friend. She's been through a lot. I see nothing but a kind and caring person who is very lost right now. Her eating disorder bothers me. the fact she doesn't think she can be a good mom bothers me. The fact that she openly admitted to hating and being jealous of what I have...THAT bothers me. She is amazing and no matter what I do she doesn't see it.

You are my sister. I see you spiraling downwards and I want to grab your hand. You just keep slipping further and further. I can't lose you again. That day killed me inside when you were hooked up to tubes and IVs. You flat lined twice. Flashes from my childhood and all of our memories came to mind throughout that car ride to visit you. I couldn't stop crying. I held your hand...told you I loved you. I'm scared it's going to happen again only more scared because I can't stand the thought of you not being here anymore. I've never been this close to anyone my age in my entire life. I've never had a best friend my whole life. You are the only one I've known this long. What would I do without you? We've made it this far. Please don't give up now.

Be strong. Be the mother you can be. Be the person me and everyone else knows you can be. Also, remember nobody's perfect. Right now I know you're in bed either sleeping or sobbing. You can do this.  I'll always be here every step of the way.

I love you. More than you'll ever know or realize. You are my sister. Not by blood. By soul.

Dreams.

I was an open book for the first time in years. Sharing my hopes, goals, deepest secrets, and dreams with you. It was summer. In a field with an open beautiful sky and many stars, nothing but a blanket under us to lay on. For a moment..I was whole again...Than I woke up. I didn't want to. If only I could have that someday..with someone again. I hope I do.

For Those Who Have Heart.

"My heart is no longer open to the world, worn on my sleeve, If you're lucky you'll unlock it, only If I give you the key."

Stop and Listen to the World for Once.

What is the most emotional moment of your life thus far? How did you come to that conclusion? Was it good or bad? I just want all of my readers to stop and think and reflect upon themselves for a moment whether they comment here or not. Embrace everything you have. Past or present. Life is beautiful. <3

Keep Your Chin Up? That's Right.

So. This past week was a pretty good one. I got to hang with Logan and Ethan for a few minutes when I was around (Logan was a kid I knew in high school, Ethan is his friend) and helped my aunt load up a truck so she could move into her new house. The place is beautiful. It was a great day and I got completely shitfaced later and stuffed my face with delicious food.) I really hope she can enjoy her new home and get settled in. She deserves to be as at home as she can be. I love her so much.


On another note, I've been so antisocial the past year. Time to get myself out there and meet some new friends. I went for coffee with my friend Steph today. It was pretty nice. A huge step from lounging around  the apartment not talking to anyone.We have a lot of common interests and she has a good heart as well. We were constantly chatting, looking at clothes in different stores at the old port, and had some pizza to end the night. I enjoyed it immensely. I can't wait to hang with her some more.


Also heard from the boy. I wasn't expecting to hear from him due to what happened last time but I got a message from him. He wants to see me soon and misses me. This is the first time he's openly admitted to missing me. I hope it means something. He means a lot to me already and he has no Idea.


I probably won't remember this Sunday. It's my big 21st birthday. OH JOY! hahaha. Smirnoff party pack here I come!

So life is going pretty well overall. Staying positive.

Love? Eyes Wide Open.

Valentines Day is such a big day. Why do you think so? I honestly think everyday should be filled with all kinds of love. Everyone should always appreciate each other, appreciate what they have.


My day began nicely. I woke up next to him again. I awaited for his message around midnight and didn't want to bother reaching out to him first..(I didnt want to look clingy)


 I don't know where this is leading so I'm scared. He's a great fit for me. A part of me really wonders if some of the things I've heard are true, if my heart getting invested in this is a bad idea. I've heard from someone that he cheats and has already broken a few hearts. I hope that's not the case. He has such a kind aura to him. I know for a fact doesn't have STDs (I would of gotten something by now and that was one of the things I heard) and I just hope that this attachment doesn't go any further right yet. I need my heart to slow down. To protect myself from getting crushed again. I didn't expect to get attached again to him anytime soon. It just happened. After the laughing and the cuddling. Being understood for once while both of us seem to be in search of something.  Being acknowledged felt amazing, being called sexy when I undressed myself, having my hands clasped with his so tightly. So much passion. He has no Idea what I'm feeling and I don't know how to tell him. I'm just going to keep on the down-low and go day by day I suppose. You could say its lust. I completely am lusting this man. There however is more to it than just the sex.




Its been an interesting week. My aunt finally got a house bought and signed, my mother is currently helping her pack for her new home. I also got disowned by my brother. I guess my honesty about his lifestyle was just too much to handle. I'm not judgmental. I was just telling him how I saw it. It is what it is. I am a good person. I care a lot about him. Maybe someday he will see.

Surreal Moment.

For a moment I feel more whole than usual.

More Raw Emotion.

‎"When I've finally opened up from this shell you'll see, right through my eyes, a better side of me."


Maybe I am lonely. I waited four months for someone. Than I came back to an empty nothing. I wasn't good enough it seemed.


Before those four months of emotional torture we locked lips. I couldn't comprehend the connection I felt. I wonder to this day if it was mutual.  I didn't just fuck you. I made love to you. Your lips gently kissed my forehead. Things seemed so natural and lovely between us. You than left for over a month after I went home and I barely spoke to you. It crushed my heart. You told me you had a lot going on. I just felt as though some other girl was more important than me somewhere. Usually with my self esteem that's the way my mind frame has been from being tossed aside so many times.


Last night we reconnected. Your vibe. Your connection....Way more intimate. I looked into your eyes and locked lips and made love with you again. I didn't want to leave. With all the hope in the world I hope you don't leave it like that again. I have so much love I want to give to someone. If you'll allow it than there wont be a miserable ending. You'll probably never read this but I mean that with my heart and soul. I love the way you view the world with your vintage things and loving smile. You're amazing. 

Life Awaits Me.

MHRT Certificate bound for the fall? What a giant leap for my life. College here I come. Off to play some games and watch manswers with the best friend (:


Before I go here are some photos from my favorite artist. Her name is Carissa Rose. Very talented woman.

NEVER DIE ART OFFICIAL CARISSA ROSE ETSY PAGE

Hyper Smash